I have taken off into an unknown city with the feeling that this is how my existence is to express itself, and after arriving, I have felt further that what I need is here. But, what is this exactly; what does this place provide that Houston did not? Well, let me clarify that I did not find what I mention here in Houston, but perhaps, you can and I just didn’t look very hard.
First and foremost, I desperately need a safe and consistent place to live. This is the last piece to fulfilling the second level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. (Food and other physiological needs have always been provided on a consistent basis and continue to be, so they do not receive attention here.)
My parents both have houses, but staying at either comes at a high cost: the infliction psychological and emotional stress, damage, or trauma, and with my mother especially, the undermining of my autonomy of my perception of reality. The severity of my depression, I firmly believe, is circumstantially created and definitely most severe at my parents’ houses. Unquestionably, the cost of staying with them is my sanity and with the severity of my depression, my life.
Secondly, I have never had a true community, a family where I felt loved and understood. Quite unexpectedly and somewhat unbelievably, I have gained just that here, rather it has been forced upon me by the people who see that special something within me. Really, I still think they are all crazy! Somehow, I fooled them… Anyhow, I now have a much larger social support structure that continues to grow with each person I meet.
Side note: I was nothing in Texas, but now that I dropped everything and took off to San Francisco, I’m suddenly interesting and inspiring. I’m the same me speaking on the same topics. I still don’t know how doing what I did helped people see me for what I am. Or do they see something they think I am? Perhaps, their imaginations make me appear better than I am.
Once the second level is achieved, I will easily ascend the third, Love and Belonging, with the love of a friend in Houston and the new friends I have here, and I will begin to build a strong family. And once this is achieved, I will have plenty of outlets for my purpose to make actual contributions to the community which will raise my self-esteem, and then finally, I will truly respect myself. Now, here is the fun part. At this point, I will strive for true self-actualization!
My understanding of the process of ascending the hierarchy of needs may be incomplete, however, this is what I have to offer at the moment. I am very self-aware and know for a fact that I need a safe foundation to build my life on. Ultimately, this is what I need and am striving for.