When I think on my plans for the future, I feel dwarfed by them. The ideas I have are so much greater than myself that I have to ask: is it merely insanity driving me forward? I currently do not have the means nor capabilities to manifest these dreams and know not if I ever will, but still, a force inside me urges me forward. It tells me that it can be done and I will do it. How can I rationalize this compulsion, this irrational drive towards the unknown? How do I not think I am crazy?
Upon reflection after reflection, I grow more and more fearful that much of this journey has been no more than a display of delusions of grandeur. To think one could throw oneself into the world and be embraced by humanity was a crazy notion I dared to test, and I have proven this notion not so crazy after all (new friends have collectively spent about $2000 on me). Or have I? Perhaps, it is my delusion of grandeur that has garnered the support of curious people who simply wish to see what I can do, if I can follow my words up with actions, but I doubt their test will illuminate what is truly driving me.
I plan on building a beacon to my cause from nothing but the humanity within me. I plan to earn my basic needs by simply existing and have a job that directly facilitates my self-actualization and channel the money I earn into the construction of the institutions I conceive. I will live simply and conserve resources. I will rise up the social hierarchy as far as possible and show how it is merely a construct that can be eliminated in a moment by distributing the privilege I ceased to those who have none. I declare I will do this like I declared I would write a book in a year without knowing anything about the process nor what the book would consist of. I declare this regardless of its apparent feasibility, for I have that force within me compelling me to.
We shall see what this force truly is in due time. Together, we will watch the unraveling of an answer for better or for worse. We will see if I have a true purpose or if this has all been the machinations of a troubled mind. Perhaps, one of the best things to come from my childhood is my constant checking of my sanity whether or not I can do so successfully. A best because far too many people have rallied under righteousness to carry out their perversions. I will not repeat this. I dedicate my life to counter acting the factors that created my hell, the psychological and the social-institutional, however, if I become what I am trying to fight, I will end all my efforts and most likely my life. Let us watch the unfolding.