I grow weary of the ups and downs of my moods. Praise and accomplishment bring me to a high while my loneliness and boredom bring me right back down. I feel isolated even in the presence of many, and after the initial excitement of another step forward, I feel bored and unfulfilled. This oscillation has always been a problem for me, and the best example I can give at the moment is my social dynamics in my high school anatomy class.
I forget how exactly the first seating arrangements were made, but everyone sat in groups of four at square tables formed by two smaller rectangular tables. I also forget the exact order in which I switched from table to table, but I know after about a month or less I would feel I have exhausted my friendships’ ability to nourish some core piece of my essence. Each time I encountered this nourishing capacity, I began to feel drained, longing, and depressed until a certain amount of psychological pain became overwhelming. Then, I ventured off to another table in search of whatever nourishment I required. The cycle repeated and repeated.
This same cycle permeates my relationships to this day, and still, I cannot understand it. I have to flow from person to person “feeding” on a life force like some sort of parasite, or so I fear. For years now, I have assured myself it is not parasitism but mutualism even if what I give back comes years later in a completely different form, one few may understand. But, how do I quantify the equivalent exchange? How do I know for sure that what I am building will return so many precious investments rather than squander it all on my ego? There is no equation, no law, no moral commandment for this enigma, only my guiding compass and the entirety of my faith I place in it. Forgive my human fallibility if I am mistaken. That is, if you should.
The oscillations of my moods directly correlate with this cycle as I fluctuate from person to person, organization to organization in my frantic and desperate and then, effortless and certain construction of my life. I cannot predict the ups and downs, thus I am pulled on a never ending rollercoaster. One I would rather disembark. Are these oscillations indicative of an underlying psychological issue? Bipolar disorder, perhaps. I am no one to tell, for my perception of reality is potentially tainted by rationalization, however, who can? Unless someone joins me in my day to day, thought to thought, no one will truly know.
For now, I move on despite the unpredictable and sometimes hindering oscillations. After all, there is nothing else for me to do, save speak to my case managers and therapist. But, I do not know if I could handle any experiments with medicines under these circumstances. My situation blurs my priorities as I still don’t know exactly how to build my self-sufficiency or if my current efforts will succeed. “Hang in there and keep moving forward” is the only plan I have.